May Contain Nuts

I’ve been meaning to write this for about a week now. I tried before, but it devolved into a personal ramble that wasn’t terribly suitable for reading.

I guess there’s no really easy way of saying I was introduced to the idea of therianthropy without it sounding like I talked myself into it, so I’ll skip that part of the story and get straight to the part where I believed myself to be a therian after some soul-searching and bumbling attempts at figuring myself out (I’ve never been good at meditation, and unfortunately don’t know anyone who could teach me the concept face-to-face, much as I think such an activity would help).

I feel very, very connected to foxes, arctic ones in particular, and while I don’t buy into the idea of predestination, I do think we all have a purpose for being here, and that through subtle, sometimes seemingly unrelated actions by us and those around us, we are guided towards a better understanding of ourselves and our purpose. Interestingly enough, almost all of the things that have led me to where I am now, in terms of who I am, what I want to do, where I want to go, and who I want to be with have spawned initially from my involvement in the Myst community. It was through that that I found Real Life comics, then hosted on Keenspace, which led me to another once-Keenspace comic, Ozy and Millie, which in a roundabout, investigating the characters’ species kind of way, awoke my feelings of connection with foxes.

This, in turn, culminated in July of 2002 at Mysterium, where a friend I was rooming with that weekend gave me a nudge towards were.net based on what I had said to her and how I’d behaved that weekend. That triggered my investigation into therianthropy and “were-ism”, which as I said earlier, I later accepted as a label for what I already was (there, found a good way of putting it). However, I’ve always doubted myself about whether I really am what I think I am… I mean, I’ve never shifted in any really perceptible way, and so I lack a lot of the rather vivid stories told by a number of the other people in the community that has arrisen online. This lack of shifting has often been the largest contributor to my doubt, for while I can very much identify with the idea, and can sometimes be described as being in a more animalistic mood than normal, I’ve never really all-out shifted. If anything I’ve only ever had faint phantom shifts, but that’s about it. Since shifting was, as far as I had investigated, something of a requirement in order to really be able to call yourself a therian, I was always waiting, even hoping, for a serious shift to validate my belief.

Also about a week ago, perhaps two weeks by now, I found a new webcomic (again hosted on Keenspace… will my association with that hosting service never end?) called “Black Tapestries”, which was created by a woman named Jakkal, who just so happens to be a therian. She also runs a therianthropy website and forum with her husband (also a therian), which I’ve been poking around since I found it. I’ve always been hesitant to introduce myself to other therians and ask for guidance on how to better investigate myself, perhaps partly because I don’t want to find out I’m wrong about myself, and partly because these people don’t take kindly to posers and actors, and I fear they may think that I am if I don’t introduce myself properly. Anyway, I was investigating the site and the forum and came across a definition for and a discussion about “contherianthropy”, which is the term used to describe people who are therian but do not experience shifts, because they are always 100% human and animal at the same time, they just slide along a scale between the two. To put it lightly, this was a bit of an epiphany, as well as a relief, to find out that there were other people out there like myself, with similar experiences as myself, who still fit the bill of being therian. This has largely expelled a lot of the doubt that I’ve been lying to myself for the past three years, and while I’m still not (and perhaps never will be) 100% sure of myself in this area, I do feel a lot more comfortable with the label I’ve placed upon myself for the first time in a while. I should clarify that while desperately trying to peg myself as a therian by any means possible is not what I’m trying to do, it is comforting to know that I do still share common ground with others who call themselves therian, and feel that it goes some way toward validating my thoughts on the matter. Basically, it’s good to know I’m not crazy in that there are others around that have experiences like mine, and it’s also good to know that I’m not deluding myself by attempting to apply a label to myself that doesn’t fit.

It’s always been difficult describing exactly what my relationship is with my animal “side”, largely because it really isn’t a side, it’s just part of who I am. I’ve named it, and taken to drawing it in an effort to express it, and while these efforts have been successful in illuminating the fact that I do in fact have that part of me inside, it perhaps hasn’t been the best depiction of the actual relationship. It’s odd, being two things at once… a human in mind and body but an animal in spirit. It’s a hard thing to understand, and an even harder thing to properly explain (which contributes to other people not understanding it as well). It’s something I don’t feel comfortable discussing with my family, or even any of my RL friends, because I don’t think they would accept it as anything other than a mental condition (*sigh*) or at best a bad/weird joke, and so I’m fairly limited in who I can turn to IRL for help in exploring myself to better understand this. And while online contacts have gotten me this far, they can’t refer me to anyone locally who might be able to help me learn meditation methods and the like, so I feel like I’ve sort of hit a wall in terms of what I can do to better my understanding of and connection with myself, which aggrivates and saddens me at the same time.

So, the long and the short of it is that I feel more confident about myself and what I think I am now than I was for some time now, which is good, because I need all the personal self-esteem I can get with all the stuff I’m doing and trying to do these days. I also don’t like doubting myself about decisions I’ve made regarding who I am, so being able to again identify with the idea that I’m therian without having to delude myself into thinking it or warp the definition of the word to fit myself is a good thing overall, as it means I’m not trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, I’m not trying to identify with something that I’m actually not, and I’m liable to be better accepted should I ever get over my fear and my shyness and toss myself into the therian community Jakkal is running (they seem a nice group, just not the types you want to piss off).

Okay, courtesy of MacHall Comics, I’ve found my new favorite Christian Fundie quote from this article on Yahoo News…

“‘We’ve been attacked by the intelligent, educated segment of the culture,’ [said Mummert].”

And, “If we continue to indoctrinate our young people with non-religious principles, we’re headed for an internal destruction of this society.”

I think that speaks volumes about the relative opinion these people hold for science and education in general, to which I respond, “put your kid in Sunday School if you want them to learn about god, and leave him the hell out of the secular classroom. Not everyone follows your beliefs, not everyone wants to follow your beliefs, and this country, like it and believe it or not, was founded in part on the concept that people don’t have to follow your beliefs.”

However, to represent the other side, and re-establish my faith in the belief that not all religious people are stuck-up, pompous, exclusionary bigots, there’s a quote in the same article from a local clergyman, Warren Esbach who said, “I’m opposed to any group who wants to establish a theocracy. I come from a church who fled Germany in the 18th century for religious freedom.”

Unfortunately, it seems to me that the religious fanatics who can’t stand the thought of someone believing, acting, or living in a way that conflicts with their beliefs are coming into more and more power in the government, and aren’t backing down from the opinion that all other views except theirs are invalid, pointless, destructive to society, and harmful to the status of America as some sort of sacred holy beacon of light to the rest of the world (no seriously, listen to these people when they talk, they really do project this kind of attitude… it’s very hostile). I worry sometimes that this country is being turned slowly but surely into a Christian theocracy while the rest of the country either watches American Idol or gapes in impotent horror at the unraveling of our freedom to do as we wish in the privacy of our own homes. These people want to regulate cable television, sattelite radio, and the internet (I apologize, but I forgot the link to the article, and Mac Hall, where I originally saw it, is presently down because their servers are shuffling around California). They want to give tax money to churches (but not just any church, mind you… certain faiths are excluded from Bush’s initiatives… I can only imagine why…), make it illegal to let someone in a persistant vegitative state to be taken off their life support and feeding tube (I have been and am trying very hard to stay out of this whole media circus surrounding the very private and personal case of Terry Schiavo, and my thoughts on the matter have already been echoed in better words by other writers [for that last one, you may need to click here if you're reading this a few weeks past the posting date] anyway), illegal to have an abortion, even if the mother is at risk, and illegal for two people who love each other but happen to be the same gender to get married and have the same rights as any other couple in the country. These people frighten me, because I’m not one of their rank, and they’re in charge of all three branches of the federal government right now, which pretty much negates the concept of checks and balances to keep radical idiocy from taking over the country.

I’m going to bed now. Good morning.

So I think I’ve figured out the one big thing that’s going to keep me from ever going back to believing in Christianity of any sort. A few days ago I found a reference in Mihshehl’s blog (which I arrived at through Aquila’s blog via The Lyst) which referenced an entry in Blue Max’s blog, which had to do with his position on capital punishment as it relates to a certain father who video taped over 40 other men sodomozing his 9-year-old son in North Carolina. Mihshehl’s post, wonderful and faith-filled as it was, pretty much summed up my stance on what’s so whacked about Christianity: this guy can get into heaven if he just confesses his sins. Meanwhile, myself (and I’m not saying I’m a saint by any means, but I don’t sodomize little boys and take pictures of it) and a very large portion of the human population who have even the slighest shred of moral character will be going to Hell.

Given the kind of people who can apparently get into heaven, I think I’d rather hang out with Lucifer anyway :P.

Of course, that would assume that I envision the afterlife as anything even remotely related to the Christian “one-or-the-other-for-the-rest-of-eternity-plus-one” type of afterlife, which I don’t. But at least in y vision of the afterlife, guys like the one mentioned above don’t get to sleep on clouds and play harps all day. No, I think they’re more likely to end up strapped to a chinese water torture table and forced to play an out-of-tune accordion for the rest of eternity.

But maybe that’s just because I’m not big enough to forgive a guy for sodomozing his son. Forty times. And video-taping it. And selling the videos. You’d think that sort of thing would be unforgivable, though… the kind of thing that makes Jesus wonder what the hell he was thinking for letting the Romans put him on a cross. I feel sorry for the guy, and I don’t even follow his faith, because I know the kind of people he has to deal with that do. I mean, that’s just really gotta suck. No wonder god has such a warped sense of humor.

I have other problems with Christianity as well, but I think this one is the kicker, and has been for some time. It’s a fantastic safety blanket knowing that god will forgive your sins for the people whose deepest sins consist of saying “damn” a few times and maybe letting their eyes linger too long on a copy of Playboy… you know, misdemeanor stuff… but it’s just, I dunno, rather morally bankrupt in some way I can’t even begin to express to be able to do stuff that is so way beyond the “seven deadlies” it’s not even remotely humorous and basically get away with it because you have a cross-shaped “get out of Hell free” card.

I feel I should clarify that my examples of “misdemeanor sins” (I rather like that term…) are things that the Christian public in general (and perhaps the conservative Catholic/Baptist/Protestant public specifically) consider to be sins, not necesarily (or at all) something that I personally think is a sin. I have my own not-sin-related objections to porn, but I’ll save those for a different entry ;).

I am fully well aware that you can confess your sins and not be sorry for them at all, and I somehow doubt that simply walking into the confession booth and saying “I sell videos of men raping my son” to the priest is going to get you much of anywhere if you say it with this kind of attitude in mind, but even if this guy was really, truly, soul-shatteringly sorry for what he did to his son (which somehow, unfortunately, I doubt, given the severity and extent of his activities), it strikes me as unjust of a truly loving god to let this guy off considering the sheer amount of damage he has done to his son’s physical, mental, psychological, and quite possibly spiritual well-being. You can tell me that the principle of turning the other cheek should be invoked here, and you can tell me I’m being too human and base for wanting revenge for what this guy did, but this isn’t about revenge, it’s about letting a morally bankrupt soul bask in the light of god for all eternity and somehow being able to call that the action of a just, loving divinity. That just makes no sense to me, and frankly I don’t care if god is supposed to be so all-encompassingly good and loving that I can’t wrap my head around how this could possibly work out for the better. It defies any natural sense of decency to give this guy and others like him a happy ending, and to me, that’s all that matters. Jesus said “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It was his golden rule. And people like this violate it with a severity that defies any sort of comprehension, and they do so intentionally, with malice in their hearts. I don’t care if you’re perfect or not, a good person would never in their darkest hour sink to things like that, but there really doesn’t appear to be any litmus test for Heaven besides being able to recite your denomination’s version of the Nicene Creed in that monotonous, robotic sort of voice reserved only for churches, schools, and political rallies. Whether you’re actually a decent person does not, by all accounts I’ve seen in 20 years, means diddly-crap. Like I said, if those kind of people can end up in Heaven, I think I may just prefer to stay in Hell.

That said, though, I must again stress that I don’t subscribe to this heaven-and-hell, one-way-trip type deal that Christianity supports. Rather, I believe in karma (and boy, does this guy have a truckload of it with his name on it… and it ain’t the good kind, either) and reincarnation, through which we progressively become wiser and better (or in some cases, merely older) spirits. The concepts of heaven and hell have little meaning to me as proto-tangible planes of existence to which we are shuttled after one trip across this tiny sphere based upon varying qualifications of our spirit through our beliefs and/or actions. In fact, a final destination rather escapes my ability to comprehend (or at least coherently describe) it at the moment because of the implication that we return to this plane repeatedly until we either somehow complete our understanding of things and reach an even higher plane (I guess if I had to use a word it would, for the moment, be “nirvana”) or simply fade into non-existence, tiring of our journies and failing to take from them any deeper meaning (yes, it strikes me that souls can be as shallow as the physical beings they inhabit) that my have helped us on our path. I guess if you had to draw parallels (since that is what people love to do: compare things) then I suppose “heaven” would be attained only after making many visits to this plane and learning all that would be needed to exist on some higher plane than the spiritual “waiting room” plane to which we return after each journey on this plane, and “hell” would simply be a return to the existance you just left (giving a new meaning to “Hell on Earth” I suppose).

Still, it’s things like the matter I expounded upon at the beginning of this novella of an entry that make me wonder what I was thinking when I decided to come back for another go-around here as a human being. However, many say we are all here for a purpose; that there is some reason for which we have come into this world when and where we did. Looking at the webcam window to my right and knowing (or at least thinking that I know) what mine was and now is, I again realize what made me make that decision, and I again no longer regret it for an instant.

Today’s post encourages use of the comment section. I have a proposition for anyone who is actually readiing this blog…

I’m interested in hearing possible reasons for bannin gay marriages in the United States. Leave a comment with your reason in the comment section below this post. There’s only one rule: for your reason to be considered valid, you may not use the following words in your reasoning: “God”, “sin”, “sanctity”, “divine”, “Christ”, “Lord”, “Jesus”, “the Pope”, or “abomination”.

Have at it :).

Before I get started, yes, this is another religiously-oriented blog post, so just go away if you don’t want to get mad at me.

Here we have another example of people slamming Wicca without a fucking clue about what it is. Not only that, but some more of that Grade-A Christian Hypocrisy shines through once again… the author of this strip (the same person who authored the livejournal entry I linked to below, actually) has gladly neglected to mention the fact that the Christian god (yes, I intentionally spelled it in lower-case, I’ll explain why later) has had his own share of mood swings in the past. Like the whole swing from animal sacrifice to breaking bread and pouring wine to represent (of all things) a human sacrifice (word to the wise, Wiccans don’t do human sacrificing, nor have they ever… the Aztecs were big on that, but not the Druids… again, more later). Or maybe the whole change from “an eye for an eye” to “turn the other cheek”… The god of the Biblical Old Testament is completely contrary to the god of the New Testament in many aspects, yet like so many other people, the author of this strip has conveniently tucked that away in the “file for later processing” folder and whisked it under the carpet of “the Bible is unquestionable and/or inerrant” (I’ve seen both arguments used).

As I’ve said before, I don’t have a problem with people not agreeing with the beliefs of other religions, but for crying out loud, if you’re going to bash them publically, at least take the time to research the religion so you don’t come off sounding like a moron when you say something.

Now, I said above that I intentionally spelled “god” with a lowercase “g”. Why? Because the Christian god seems to be the only one who ever gets this priviledge in moist conversations (the notable exception being when a Wiccan steps in and says something about the Goddess). So, in an effort to not only remove any semblance of deific favoritism but to also level the playing field by removing “god” from Proper Noun status, I’ll be spelling it with a lowercase “g” from now on.

I also mentioned a few things about Wiccans, Druids, Aztecs, and sacrifice. Read around on ReligiousTolerance.org for 15 minutes in the Wicca section and you’ll quickly find that there isn’t one mention of human sacrifice in the religion, save for when it’s being debunked. Druids were people who respected nature and the balance and harmony that it embodied. They believed not only in doing unto others, but that what they did would come back to them three-fold. If you want to get into human sacrifice, I suggest looking at the Aztecs… they were heavy on human sacrifice. The Mayans and Incans did it too on occasion, from what I can recall, but they weren’t as “reliant” on it, if I may use the term, as the Aztecs were.

So if the Druids are really peaceful tree-huggers, where’s the tales of human sacrifice, wicker men, and black magic rituals come from? One word: Caesar. All of the slurs on Druidic (geez, is that the right word? My apologies if it isn’t… my brain isn’t working right) and Wiccan forms of religious belief and practice stem from Caesar’s war against the Gauls back in the days of the Roman Empire. Really, what’s the best way to rally support behind a war? We should all know, it’s been done just this year… take an enemy (doesn’t matter if they’re a threat or not) and dig up any dirt you can find on them. If the dirt doesn’t exist, make it up. Put people’s patriotism in question if they doubt you, and you’ve got a perfect pretense for war. Caesar did a bang-up job too… burning people alive, calling on unholy demons on certain nights of the year (Halloween, anyone? load of myths going around there), eating babies (well, I might’ve pulled that one out of my rear, but it did get slapped onto Christians during their early years)… the whole smash. And of course nobody already pre-disposed to attack these religions for being not-Christianity would ever stop and think about the possibility that the military and political leader of a country at war with these people might possibly have pulled all of this out of his ass… maybe they’re Republican :P.

Which brings up another point… Christians have a double-standard for conversing with others about religion. Anything a Christian says is a statement of fact or religious Truth, and therefore not open to debate or reproach, even if it completely slams another religion (like, say… Wicca). However, when a non-Christian posts something of the same nature pointed at Christianity, the poster is accused of slamming the Christian, flaming them, attacking their beliefs, and not knowing what the Hell they’re talking about. See the problem? I’ve participated in a sum total of 3 intelligent religious conversations where Christians were involved (which was always….), and almost always, it was the Christians who threw the first stone. Often-times without even showing any regard for the current discussion. Like coming into a conversation on what you’re doing on Halloween (not even a religious conversation, just trick-or-treating stuff…) and saying “I don’t celebrate Halloween, it’s Satanic.” Well, thank you. I seriously doubt any sincere Pagan would show the same disrespect for a thread which was focused on Christianity (or for a parallel example, walking into a thread on Matrix Revolutions and saying “Jesus was a weak pathetic moron” in response to someone pointing out the parallels between Jesus and Neo).

Okay, I’ve rambled enough for tonight. Shutting up and shutting down. More secular and mundane stuff to be posted “tomorrow”.

Y’know, I really do make it a point to believe that people are, by nature, good, and that things are always going to look up, no matter how dark things may seem. Which is why I get into such raging fits of annoyance when I find stuff like this being posted. Now, I’m willing to look past the part about “lacking in self esteem and chronically misanthropic … dysmorphia and delusion,” because yes, those people do exist (however, just like the “militant Southern Baptists”, these people do not represent the majority of the beliefs of those of us who are Otherkin or Were… I love hypocricy… only works the way best suited to your own use). Now, I’ll admit, I’m proud of being Were. Is it the “humans are filthy scum and man am I glad I’m not one” kind of pride that most people seem to think it is? No. If it were, I can guarantee you I wouldn’t be in love with one :P. My pride in being Were comes from the knowledge that I know what I am inside. I do not feel it necessary - or even appropriate or correct - to boast and swagger about it as if not being Were (or Otherkin, which is a related but not entirely equivalent thing) somehow makes a person less important, worthy of my attention, concern, care, etc. Yes, there are those who do so, but they’re called stuck-up snobs, and even 100% humans are good at that, no “dysmorphia” required. It is enough for me to know myself as I truly am. I also think there’s a reason I am living this life in human form, rather than an animal one. Do I miss that form? Yes, I miss it terribly sometimes. Does that mean I hate being human? No, it’s a fact of life, and I intend to live with it. Besides, there are certain things humans can do that animals can’t, and I will cherish those moments for the rest of my life.

What I do find rather offensive, and unfortunately not entirely surprising, is this guy’s suggestion to “Track the persons responsible down and give them the beating of their life…” This is where admittedly respectless disagreements on the validity of another person’s spiritual beliefs cross the line into threats of bodilly harm toward those of us who believe that we are what we are with every fiber of our being.

Once again, we have a guy who not only wouldn’t know the Golden Rule if it came up and bit him in the crotch, but he’s also VERY good at being a freaking hypocrite, as the first thing he says when replying on the page has to do with knowing that his comments would spark a Christian-bashing spree. Well, far be it from ME to bash YOUR religion after you so rudely and maliciously bashed not only my spiritual beliefs, but those of several friends of mine AND threatened to beat those “responsible” for “introducing” me to those beliefs as they have never been beaten before (I dunno if he wants to beat me too, but all things being equal I’d venture to say he would…)

If I ever say that humans suck, it’s people like those above and below this post that make me think it. Hell, it’s probably people like this who throw me into depression… it’s a real challenge being optimistic when the world seems bent on slapping you in the face with your own naievete (I know I speled that wrong…).

It’s amazing how well my mind is capable of reacting to the growing concern that I’m insane and BS-ing myself…

I spent a great deal of time this year with very little ability to really feel connected to my Were-side, and I was starting to think I was either crazy, or just completely cracked for even considering the posibility that I really was Were. That is, until last night, for some reason. I started to make a quick little pawprint doodle in Photoshop last night (which quickly turned into a very long project because I’m anal), and in the process, I feel like I reconnected very strongly with that part of me. I’d commented somewhere a while ago that I would love to have the time and ability to better connect with my Were-side, because I’m not very good at it, and it takes a lot of effort to keep that line open at all. I don’t think my insane schedule and responsibilities to everyone and their uncle this past year have done much to help that either.

Anyway. Between the pawprint and seeing Brother Bear twice in the past 3 days, I feel like I’ve reconfirmed the fact that I’m not insane, nor am I lying to myself, because both of those things resonate on that same deep level that makes me realize it’s real and true.

Oh, and while I’m on the subject of Brother Bear… everybody should go see it. It’s a fantastic movie. Seriously. Probably some of the best stuff Disney’s done since their huge stint of filmmaking in the early 90’s with Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and Lion King. I made sure to take my little brother (who, like the rest of my family, is blissfully unaware of the fox living in their house…) to see it the second time I went, just to make sure it wasn’t my personal connection with the spirit of the film that was speaking for my impression of its quality, and since he was equally impressed and pleased with the film, I’d say it’s a good film even if you’re not “into that sort of thing”.

I wonder what CAP will have to say about it… (went to look, got the Blinking Red Light of Hell, wow…)

Oh, and another thing I wanted to mention (whee, stream-of-consciousness blogging), since I’m kind of playing catch-up… this kind of crap really makes me sick. I sent an email to the webmaster, and in the highly unlikely event that it DOESN’T get deleted right away, I’d love to see what this guy has to say about what I wrote to him. And for those who are wondering what’s wrong with the article that would get me so pissed, a cursory glance at the OCRT site’s account of Halloween should hopefully clue you in.

Really, I have nothing against religion, but when it’s used to spread obviously demonstrable lies defaming and attacking those who believe differently than they do, I start getting angry. If you’re going to attack a religion or its holidays, at least get your freaking facts straight, okay?

Enough from me for tonight, I think. ‘Night.